Italian Joke of the Month: An Italian man immigrates to the United States of America and moves in with some distant relatives in New Jersey. They tell him he should apply for citizenship and they will help him study for the test. They go over all the U.S. history from the Revolutionary war to present day.
Finally, he feels he has enough knowledge to pass the test so he sets an appointment.
He walks into the testing room and the agent giving the test thought he would have a bit of fun, so he said to the man "We have a very simple test for you today. If you can use three English words in one sentence, you will be granted citizenship! The words are green, pink and yellow.
The Italian man thought for several minutes and finally said "O.K., I think I can do that"
Than he said "I hearda the telephone go green, green, green, so I pink it uppa and I say yellow - who is this." (sent by Tony Todeo - NY)
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An Italian man was having an affair with his neighbor. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the neighbor a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, " Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
The husband replies, "Yes, I do! You have been asking me that everyday since the month after we got married but you have never asked me if I love spaghetti".
Not knowing what else to do, the neighbor took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the Italian man's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The Italian man said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the Italian man came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked told the medic that she handed her husband a post card he received from Italy. The card said,
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
An Italian man wants to get married but he has trouble choosing among three Italian women. He gives each Italian woman a present of $500 and asks them to spend the money anyway they wish.
The first lady does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The Italian man was very impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the Italian man gifts. She gets him a new Italian suit, some new shoes for his Italian suit, and an expensive Italian tie. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the Italian man is impressed.
The third Italian woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $500. She gives him back his $500 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the Italian man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.
Newly Wedded Couples
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian woman she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her."Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says,"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing some of his toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother.
"This is a job for your Mother!"
Courtesy - humorsphere.com
The Wedding Cake
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience at a health seminar. "The material we call food that we put into our stomachs today is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Macaroni is fattening, Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it at one point in our lives. Can anyone here tell me what food produces the most long term damage to us even years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old Italian man in the front row stood up and said, "It'sa d' Weddinga cake"
The Ultimate Wish
An Italian man walking along the beach on a warm summer evening in California and was deep in prayer. He looked up to the skies and yelled out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been a loyal and good servant to me and you had enough desire to ask, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary !'
The priest responded,'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here ! Please tell us now what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary ?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up "
You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor. If someone in your family grows beyond 5'9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion. And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when: Your grandfather had a fig tree. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
Christmas Eve . . . only fish. Your mom's meatballs are the best. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you. Plastic on the furniture is normal. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella." You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy." You've called someone a "mamaluke." And you understand "bada bing"
Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in the basement to cook. There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, bedroom, front porch and backyard. The living room is filled with old wedding favors with poofy net bows and stale almonds (they are too pretty to open). A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra hang in the dining room. God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat 'Chef Boy-ar-dee', 'Franco American', 'Ragu', 'Prego', or anything else labeled as Italian in a jar or can. Meatballs are made with pork, veal and beef. Italians do not care about cholesterol. Turkey is served on Thanksgiving AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna, and minestrone or shcarole soup. If anyone EVER says ESCAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's SHCAROLE.
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
The table was set with everyday dishes. It doesn't matter if they don't match. They're clean; what more do you want? All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left. A clean kitchen towel was put at Nonna's & Papa's plates because they won't use napkins. Homemade wine and bottles of 7-UP are on the table. First course, Antipasto... Change plates. Second course, macaroni. All pasta was called macaroni... Change plates. Third course, roast beef, potatoes and vegetables... Change plates. THEN, and only then - NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL would you eat the salad drenched in homemade oil & vinegar dressing... Change plates. Next course, fruit & nuts - in the shell - on paper plates because you ran out of the real ones. Last was coffee with anisette espresso for Nonna, 'American' coffee for the rest - with hard cookies (biscotti) to dunk in the coffee. The kids would go out to play. The men would go lay down. They slept so soundly that you could do brain surgery on them without anesthesia. The women cleaned the kitchen. We got screamed at by Mom or Nonna, and half of the sentences were English, the other half Italian.
Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but could nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you were in the living room. The prom dress that Zia Ceserina made you cost only $20.00, which was for the material. The prom hairdo was done free by Cousin Angela. Turning around at the prom to see your entire family, including your Godparents, standing in the back of the gym... PRICELESS!
bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!""Hey,
coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda
how to spella Mississippi."
Don't you just LOVE Italian lawyers?
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just LOVE Italian lawyers?
Francis and Isabella were having their usual battle of the sexes. "Italian
men are all stupid," screamed Isabella "Oh,
yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it
was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!" "And
I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian
woman who thought of putting a hole in it!"
"Listen, God is everywhere, trust me, he is absolutely everywhere," the wise old Sicilian priest told little Gianluca, who thought about this for a moment, before grabbing a half-opened matchbox lying on the table, quickly snapped it shut and declared triumphantly: "Got him!!!"
The proper way to putt...
This Italian bloke had never played golf before and so asked for some tips before starting the game. An American player decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.
The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole". The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.
The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out"!
A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, "Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS...and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything."
Did you hear about the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front of the statue of Madonna?
She said: "You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving!"
How to Impress an Italian Lady:
Wine her, dine her, hug her, support her, compliment her, suprise her, smile at her, hold her, romance her, laugh with her, shop with her, cuddle her, go to the end of the earth for her...
How to Impress an Italian Man:
Show up naked, Bring Beer.
A young priest was tempted by sins of the Flesh and astonishingly went to a call girl.
Being unable to hold his emotions, he screams out:
"My Daughter, the Lord is with us..."
"Well, in that case, you're paying double..."
A Greek and an Italian
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
The Italian Elbow
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with you elbow , pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow , hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . . . .... . You coming empty handed?"
To all my Italian friends, and a few who are not - enjoy! ...and if you're from Brooklyn , New Joisey, or LonggggEyeland, you'll really appreciate this!
Baked Beans - This is hilarious!
(This one is much too cute not to share. )
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Entry from Laura Urso Catalano - Montreal Canada
To Eat or not to Eat…
An Italian Joke about an Italian dinner so good it just might kill you.
Joey prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving. In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Joey's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."